Pain is inevitable. We will all experience pain at some point in our lives. Maybe some more than others. How can one find joy in the midst of pain? How can someone move past pain that hurt them so badly? My only answer is

Jesus.

If you are rooted in the word and the promises of Jesus you will find yourself. It may take time but beautiful one it is so worth it.

This past year was one of the hardest of my life mentally and emotionally.

Friendship(s) ended.

This was a really big one for me that hurt me the most probably. You talk to someone daily, you share every detail of your life, you know their secrets, you know everything. You open up your heart. You are vulnerable. You make one mistake and then it’s all over. It’s finished. I had to really search my heart during this season in my life. I had to give this to the Lord. I couldn’t carry this burden. I had said I was sorry and then just ultimately given it to the Lord. This was really difficult. I would pray and pray for these mamas. I was hoping one day for restoration and then this past week I hear from one of those friends. Everything changed.

The YEAR of praying, hoping, and waiting for restoration had finally come. Receiving that message rocked my world. Y’all God is extremely FAITHFUL. He may not give you what you desire that day, week, month, or every year but just keep pressing into his love and grace and miracles will take place.

Making and keeping friends is really difficult for me for some reason. I say the way I was raised plays a huge role in how I make friends. I had a lot of friend groups. I played sports so I just basically hung out with whoever was on my team that season. I don’t remember ever having a sleepover. My parents never had any friends over for dinner. My mom had one friend that she really talked to on a daily basis. I would much rather be found at my grandparents house on the weekends than going to a party.

So when you’re close to a group of friends for 4+ years and then it ends without any real resolution…. it is hard. It broke me but I had to move on. I had to invest my time and energy into those who were there. My family, some friends from my kid’s school, and our church grew closer. Jesus never left during this time. I was still sad that it was over but prayed one day we’d be able to talk about. Now I haven’t been able to chat with all of them yet but I hope to in the near future.

This past year I weaned myself off of depression medication.

I was diagnosed with PPD (postpartum depression) back in 2018. After giving birth to Leighton I was not myself. I would frequently not want to hold her. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, I would cry a lot. I even thought about suicide (once). Jerod was extremely supportive whenever I bawled my eyes out and said I need to see a therapist and get on meds. I did it. I was prescribed Prozac and it worked! I felt like myself again.. I decided after a while I would give weaning off a try. I would commit myself mentally to being a better version of me and go to the gym regularly. I slowly did it and haven’t been on meds in months. I think it was a great thing for me to be prescribed medication.

We started our foster care journey!

This was probably the biggest praise of 2019. God called Jerod and I to foster and we cannot wait to get the call! We are currently waiting to be approved to be licensed. The journey has been a very loooooong one. There have been many tears and we don’t even have a child yet. Gosh I cannot wait for that moment when our little boy arrives at our home and I wrap my arms around him.

This part of my year isn’t something that was painful. What is painful is knowing the statistics of these children placed in foster care and how badly they need support and loving homes. Their parent(s) need help and need to get better so we will be right there loving on their son as they do that!

I found out that I am much stronger than I thought I was this year. Pain didn’t define me but only made me press on!

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude this year. It was hard but it was also so so so good! We always have so much to be thankful for so I am focusing on that!

Thank you Lauren of Studio154 Photography for the beautiful photos!