Perfection in Motherhood is something that I will never attain. It is something I strive for as a mother though. I’ve learned that through this Postpartum Depression ( that I am still battling daily) I am dealing with a lot of demons. These things I am dealing with derive from my childhood and expectations I had after becoming a mother the first time.

 

These perfections aren’t those of having a completely clean house or being dressed with makeup everyday. These perfections I strive for begin with my children. I want so badly to create a life for them that is full of never being bored and always feeling loved.

 

I expect my children to obey the first time yet do I obey right away?

 

I expect my children to come when I am called? Do I come to my Heavenly Father when he calls me?

 

I expect my children to pick up their toys yet their mother has the messiest closet..

 

I expect for friends to text me back right away when I can’t return the favor…

 

I expect friends to go out of their way for me and do things for me out of the blue. Do I do this for them? No.

 

I expect to be invited places and for my kids to be invited also… Do I do the same? No, I just want to be with my kids and no one else.

 

I expect my mom to call me but she doesn’t. I expect them to be at major events, birthdays, soccer games but they don’t come.

 

See I have all of these expectation and I could name a ton more.

I think my expectations are set way too high. I get let down easily.The one person who never lets me down I just push to the side. I so badly want to include the Lord in everything I decide and think about. I can’t. It’s too hard to give every thought to the maker of heaven and earth. I want to keep these feelings to myself or share with my therapist and then have a quick fix.

 

BUT IF THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE DIED FOR ME WHY CAN’T I LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR HIM EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY???

 

You see this battle for perfection is not from the Lord. It’s from the enemy. He is seeking to devour me. He is trying to get me off of the path. He is trying so badly to fill me with negative thoughts about myself. He wants to destroy my family.

He wants to tell me I am

NO GOOD

UGLY

OVERWEIGHT

SELFISH

NOT WORTHY

USELESS

POINTLESS

 

BUT GOD thinks otherwise. He calls me beautiful, worthy,  and loved.

 

 

God of salvation

chased down my heart

through all of my failure and pride

on a hill you created

light of the world abandoned in darkness to die

AND AS YOU SPEAK

A HUNDRED BILLION FAILURES DISSAPEAR

where you lost your life so I can find it here

if you left the grave behind you so will I.

words from my favorite song by Hillsong. See the entire video below.

 

These words hit me so hard and I so badly want to surrender every aspect of my life so Jesus help me.

 

I love that the Lord pursues me every day. He looks looks past ALL OF MY FAILURES AND ALL OF MY PRIDE. He still loves me and cares deeply for me.

 

So how do I overcome perfection? By continually surrendering it to him. He takes that desire of mine and uses it for his glory. Even when I don’t want to give it up I get down on my knees and offer it to him over and over again.

 

If you are having any of these feelings and feel like giving up just remember that our God died for you. He gave his life for YOU and for ME!