Babies God Maternity Motherhood postpartum postpartum anxiety Pregnancy rainbow baby trials Working mom

The time I didn’t want to hold you.

That time was tonight. I did everything the same way I’ve been doing it for the past month. It had been 3 hours since you last ate. I fed you 3 ounces. I changed your diaper. I put on your lotion. I put on your footed pjs. You were burped and swaddled. I put you to sleep with your paci. I walked away thinking about the hundreds of things to do still. You kept spitting your paci out. You continued to cry.

 

What did I do wrong? WHY were you still crying???? I sat in bed for 30 minutes and continued to put your paci in. I got you out numerous times and rocked you. I tried to burp you more. Nothing was working. I made another bottle of 2 ounces of formula. You guzzled it down. That was 5 ounces total. Your pediatrician said you should be drinking about 2-3 ounces every 3 hours. 5 was too much. No way. I wasn’t going to give you more, you should be full with 3 right?

 

No, she was still hungry. I was trying to follow the rules  and not my heart. You just wanted to be held.

I tried to put her down again after drinking 5 ounces. You still kept crying. You were making your adorable cat like noises through the paci.

 

I was frustrated to say the least. I picked you up again. Your dad walked by and I handed you off like a football. I was done. I didn’t want to hold you. He said to make another 2 ounces. Was he crazy? That would be 7 ounces. He was right. She wanted more to drink and then she wanted to just be held. He held her and she fell asleep on his stomach. He is amazing y’all.

 

This was a real feeling I had inside of me. Is it okay to feel this way? I asked Jerod if it was normal. He said yes. I think feeling that way is totally okay. Having a newborn is extremely hard when you have two other children. Especially when those two other children aren’t going to bed and are keeping each other up an hour after I put them to sleep.

 

 

People say time goes by way too fast when you’re smaller. I have come to realize this is a true statement. My son will be 8 this December. This blows my mind.

I don’t want to not hold you. I don’t want to ever forget your newborn self. The truth is sometimes I don’t want to though. I want a breather. I want to just sit down and not think about what I have to get done. Motherhood is never ending. It’s seriously the hardest job on the planet. I need to go to the one who created me.

 

 

 

 

 

I am still not doing that. I am trying to do this mother thing on my own. It’s not working in my favor. So much of me wants me to do it my way… on my terms…. well that’s where I am wrong.

 

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” Psalm 16:2

 

I need to remind myself of this scripture daily. Oh and this one too..

 

“Do not be anxious about anything” Phil. 4:6

 

If you read this post then you know I’ve been dealing with some postpartum anxiety.The Lord calls us to not be anxious about anything. I have to remind myself daily this struggle. There is nothing to be anxious about. He made me to be a mother. He will get me through it. He will get you through it also.

 

 

 

Just remember if you’re in this same season as me, and you might be. It’s okay to feel this way. I think it’s also important to discuss these feelings with loved ones. People that will listen and offer meaningful feedback. I am so thankful for my husband and the support system he has been during this really tough season. Thank you all for reading my blog and offering encouragement. It truly means so much to me.

 

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12 Comments

  • Reply
    Jaclyn Quinones
    June 12, 2017 at 6:27 am

    It’s so funny that as you write this, I just shared my thoughts on my littlest turning 2 and never wanting to let him go. But believe me there was a time I felt EXACTLY like you. I was over it. I wanted to run away. I didn’t want to hold him. Time goes by all too quick.

  • Reply
    Darby
    June 12, 2017 at 8:52 am

    I always told myself to enjoy the endless nighttime nursing sessions with my son. I knew he was our last baby, and with two older sisters ahead of him, I knew how fast the newborn stage went. But sometimes I did feel the same way. It’s easy to get frustrated because you are so sleep deprived. But as you know, it does get easier. 🙂 I hope she slept okay for you last night!! xo

  • Reply
    Danielle
    June 12, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    Oh Mama, I feel you! The newborn stage is SO hard, especially when you have other littles. Everyone tells you to soak in these moments but sometimes I find it so hard to do because of the constant battle to balance everything! How on earth is it possible to do it all?!?! But some how we find a way. Mama’s are heroes!!! You’re doing a great job!

  • Reply
    JeeYoung
    June 12, 2017 at 7:19 pm

    Been there, felt that… you are an amazing mama. I love this raw and candid post. Hugs my sweet friend! <3

  • Reply
    Jennifer Milian
    June 12, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    Oh man, I felt that way many a times during the first several months of Hannah’s life. She’s almost two and I still feel it occasionally. There’s nothing wrong with reaching the end of yourself and needing to step away. As you know, God will meet us whenever and wherever we are, when we look to Him. What is so wonderful about these end of ourself, desperate moments is that it takes our faith to another level. My faith went so much deeper as a mom because so often I had no idea what to do next and would call upon the Lord and He would show me what to try or meet the need somehow. He is there, He sees you, He hears you, and He will provide all your needs.
    Also, I’m sure you already know this, but our hormones can be so powerful after having a baby. I struggled big time with postpartum depression and anxiety. It was really helpful for me to discuss it with my doctor and work with her to try to address it.

  • Reply
    justine
    June 12, 2017 at 8:31 pm

    I’ve been feeling like this for the past couple days. we were pregnant at the same time and my son was delivered a week or so after leighton. frustration is getting the best of me and sleep deprivation is winning. asking for help is not a bad thing! (although i feel like i’m asking for TOO MUCH help) having a strong support system is ESSENTIAL. you’re doing a wonderful job, b <3

  • Reply
    Mary Ware
    June 13, 2017 at 7:39 am

    It is totally ok to feel like that! There are so many times that we as moms are rundown and mentally exhausted, and need a break. I’m glad you were able to get some help in the moment, it can be so hard day in and day out! Thank you for sharing your genuine thoughts, so many mamas can relate!

  • Reply
    val
    June 13, 2017 at 11:35 am

    You’re not alone in feeling this way! You deserve a break now and then <3

  • Reply
    Brittany Warren
    June 13, 2017 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you for sharing! This was how I felt the other day and I commend your realnesz! Keep going pretty mama!

  • Reply
    Rachel
    June 13, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    New babies are always so hard. My kids never followed the pedi eating rules. My daughter was taking 5 oz by a month and a half per feeding. My son was only on 5 oz at six months. It can be so frustrating that they can’t get the words out to tell you what they need.

  • Reply
    Shannon | Mom Without Labels
    June 13, 2017 at 7:37 pm

    I’ve so been there! I remember wanting to scream when my girls were newborns and even one time I actually said “I don’t want to hold you” to my littlest! Also, I don’t believe in feeding “rules” – I always fed my girls until they were full. You’re doing a great job!

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    June 13, 2017 at 10:39 pm

    Wow. Totally hit this out if the park. My newborn son is 3.5 weeks and I am jist getting to the point where I wsnt to hold him. The first week was terrible – stressful delivery, sick baby and transfer via helicopter 4 days later to a neonatal icu 3.5 hrs away. As well as hesling from c-section, sleep deprivation and postpartum depression. Although not diagnosed i know i had it those first 4-5 days post delivery. I had bad bad thoughts and I don’t want to ever have them again.
    We got home when he was a week old and then I was anxious about his feedings and mad breastfeeding wasnt going well, mad he had terrible diaper rash from antibiotics he received whike in the hospital. Then he would cry and i jad no clue why and thankfully my mom assured me his digestive tract is immature and he will be uncomfortable with going poop. Why don’t they tell yiu this?! I had no clue abd thankful my mom was there. Her and my dad leave tomorrow and i am finally feeling like i can do this alone with my hubby. Thanks for your raw post. ❤️

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